I forgot I had a blog?

I only realized that this gosh darn contraption existed when my friend asked me if I had seen HER blog. Then the magic light bulb magically turned on in my head. Then the light bulb, in a perfect example of personification, whispered ever so softly to me, that I too have a blog. To which I responded "Oh, shit."  In explanation of my forgetting that my blog existed, I offer up two words, conspiracy theory. BAM. Perfect excuse. I still don't understand why it doesn't work on my teachers. I don't know why the hell I'm even bothering to make this post, it's not like anyone cares. But it's summer. And I don't have play practice tonight. Yeah, I said it. PLAY PRACTICE. Imma directa bitch. 

I wish I had something amazing to tell you about my summer, but I don't. I could tell you about the clown I met serving ice cream at a Fourth of July celebration that I fell in love with, but it's not really that interesting of a story.  He can make really awesome balloon animals. 'Nuff said.

This is me. DISCLAIMER: I do not own a pair of purple shoes. You should buy some for me.

It's Been Far Too Long...

Alas, Methinks I have taken to long to post a blog, pray, grant me thy forgiveness. Mayhaps?

ANYWAY. I'm back, baby. And, even though it is way past Valentine's Day, I feel the need to give to you all of my great wealth of knowledge I have acquired on the subject of romance. I obviously have much experience with Love. Yeah. Right. But that doesn't mean I can't give you crappy advice anyway.

For the record, guys stink. Both literally and figuratively. Well atleast the straight ones. Recently I have realized just how wonderful gay men are.

List Of Reasons Why I Love Gay Men:
1. Perfect Hygiene
2. Fabulous Fashion Sense
3. Perfect Hygiene
4. As your best friend they will never all of a sudden lose their minds and decide to fall in love with you
5. Perfect Hygiene
6. They understand how you think
7. Perfect Hygiene
8. They can talk about their feelings
9. Perfect Hygiene
10. They actually WANT to go shopping with you
11. Clinton Kelly


"If you're a bird, I really REALLY hope you're not quoting The Notebook'
The Notebook is on my list of stupidest movies of all time. Nicholas Sparks is on my hit list. If you cried while watching The Notebook, I'm afraid that I don't know you anymore. Instead of creating your idea of true love based on the Notebook, why not choose a better, more suitable movie?

List of Movies That Portray Love More Realistically Than The Notebook:
1.Psycho (That guy loved his mom so much he wanted to grow up to be just like her!)
2.Chicago (well not the whole movie, just the song "Cell Block Tango" Yay murder!)
3. Romeo And Juliet(Having trouble with the in-laws? Try double suicide!)
4. Any of the High School Musicals ( bad singing+ bad acting+ bad dancing= True Love)
5. Gone With the Wind (Love doesn't always have a happy ending, and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn)

I could go on with this list forever, because pretty much ANY movie portrays love better than the Notebook, but I don't feel like it. Oh well.


As always, please forgive me for this horid waste of your time, you may congratulate yourself for surviving it.

Generalizations Lead to Stereotypical Blog Posts

That's right, time to fasten your seat belts for a blog filled with cheesecake, spiced apple cider, broccoli and marshmallows. It's also going to be filled with stereotypical generalizations. Which are extremely outdated. If I was technology savvy I would use iPodtypical generalizations, but I'm too groovy for that. Oh well. Where was I? Oh, right, generalizations. Why can't they be privatizations or captainizations or guyflyinganawesomehelicopterizations? Because I don't feel like it. Anyway. Generalizations. What over used topic shall I begin with? Love? Change? Coping with the daily struggles of life that nearly every single person who calls this planet home has to deal with making it not that big of a deal even thought you still think it is and you feel the need to whine about it because you want attention and you feel that you are alone in your situation even though there are millions of people just like you? Run, on sentence's! Pore grammer? Horrendous spelling? Nay. I shall bypass all of these worthy topics and skip to the biggest stereotypical generalized topic of all time! Please, will some poor chap in the audience give us a drum roll? No? Okay, well pretend you hear one.....................................................................................................................................................
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(Sorry, 'bout that folks, I had to go feed my pet cactus some fillet mignon and he/she bit my hand causing severe bleeding, nausea, drowsiness and in uncommon cases death. On a related subject, are you aware that it is extremely difficult, not to mention awkward to sex cacti? Sex used in this sense is a verb meaning "to determine the gender of an organism." I also believe there is an alcholic beverage by the name of "Sex on the Beach")

Prom. Prom is an absolutely preposterous cult gathering of teenagers in skimpy dresses. What the girls wear isn't much better. Poor people on the serving committee get stuck dealing with all of the already drunk morons that ask whether or not the punch is spiked. True story. I know. I was there. And then of course you have the "dancing" that occurs. It's not actually dancing, it's more like people are trying to generate enough friction to light themselves on fire. When they do they will be sorry that they were rude to the poor lass on the serving committee. There is no way she would try to extinguish them by dumping the punch bowl on them. They've already had four glasses each. Plus bonfires are terribly romantic.

A List of Life Saving Tips for Anybody Attending Prom
1. Do not waste your time trying requesting quality music of the DJ. He does not care that Steven Sondheim was a creative genius, he will not play any songs from Sweeney Todd.
2. If you are a teacher/chaperone/planning commitee member/adult of any kind be sure that the girl you are talking to is of age before you start hitting on her. She may look like she's twenty-one and a fellow teacher, but in reality she's a fifteen year old. And you look like an idiot.
3. Fires can happen. Excessive hairspray encourages them. Of course, bonfires ARE romantic.
4. You will probably want to leave prom early to go to some wild party. Don't. Stick around and help to clean up. You will get sent home with a left over tray of cheesecake.
38293. If you own a pair of extremely tight pants, wear them to prom. They will rip and people will be entertained.

If this broad generalization has left you confused and unsure as to exactly what I was talking about this entire time, don't feel bad. It's not meant for you to understand. I can't go spilling intimate details of my life. Take comfort in the fact that my message tonight can be completely twisted to fit your life so that you feel special. It will seem as if I am sending you a personal message of comfort and hope. So, please, mangle my words till they make you feel important.

As always, please forgive me for this horid waste of your time, you may congratulate yourself for surviving it.

An Introduction

Perhaps my deciding to make a blog is rather silly, perhaps not. I suppose it's a place to store all of my musings about things real and unreal. Maybe something quality will come out of it, or maybe it won't. I like to consider myself an amateur philosopher, but even that is wishful thinking. Not everything on here will be deep or meaningful, of course I'm not really much of a comic, so I can't say it will be funny either. Maybe it will. This introduction is hardly explanatory, it actually poses more questions than it enters. I don't really know how posting my thoughts on the internet for all to see is a good idea. In all truth, a blog is like a public diary, which is an unusual thing. Diaries are meant to be kept secret, and you don't usually find a public diary. That is, unless there is a younger sibling involved somewhere, or unless the person is deceased, and their diary has been turned into best selling novel. But the former only happens if you don't take the proper measures to protect your diary, and the latter usually only happens to famous people. Then again, the way some people use social networking sights, they could be considered public diaries. Mine certainly isn't used that way. I don't care to spread my private information everywhere. Yet I'm starting a blog. This is a conundrum isn't it? Oh, wait, that's why it's anonymous.

Please forgive me for this horid waste of your time, you may congratulate yourself for surviving it.